Guitar Jokes

What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
The stage is level.

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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.

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How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him some sheet music.

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How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None--they just steal somebody else's light.

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What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Counterpoint.

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What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

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How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand.
Don't bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice.
One, but the guitarist has to show him first.
Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who
are hogging the light.

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In the 22th century, how many guitar players will you need to replace a light
source?
Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better the old
tubes were.

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A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument.
After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store
and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."
The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are
over there."
After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the
corner."
The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"
The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."

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What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.

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What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.

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How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock always slows down.

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How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.

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Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.

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Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
It took two hours to get the drummer out.

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How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
"Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"
Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be
pushed in.
Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they
figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.
None. They have a machine to do that.

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Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

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What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.

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Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!"

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Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.

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What's the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer?
A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.

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How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.

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What happens if you play blues music backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of
prison.

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What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.

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What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."

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What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.

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How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
"One, two, three, one, two, three..."
"Hey man, I just do sound."
One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a
chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount,
finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where
it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.

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How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and
10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.

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How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his
forehead.

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Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
Start with two million.

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How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.
"Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"

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How do you turn a duck into a soul artist?
Put it in the oven until its (it's) Bill Withers.

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Micheal Caine goes up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of
cigar are you smoking there?"
"It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton.
"What's a Lawrence Welk?" Micheal asks.
Milton says "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."

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Angus was asked why there were drones on the bagpipe when they make such a
distressing sound. He answered, "Without the drones, I might as well be playing
the piano."

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Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim
Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they
both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each
musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The
first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear
eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says
"I was a jazz musician...kill me now!"

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I was playing in a night club, and getting few requests and small tips. Towards
the end of the night, a man walked up with a wad of bills in his hand and asked
me to play a jazz chord. I played an Amaj7.
He said, "No, no. A jazz chord."
I did a little improvisational thing, but he didn't like that either.
"No, no, no! A jazz chord. You know, 'A jazz chord, to say, ah love you.'"

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Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician.
Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both.

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A Jazz musician was told by his doctor, "I am very sorry to tell you that you
have cancer and you have only one more year to live."
The Jazz musician replied, "And what am I going to live on for an entire year?"

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A three-year old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "are these my brains.?"
"Not yet," She replied
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Evil Genius...
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk
dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. > He comes up to the
doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocks on the door. When the madam
came to answer it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said
he wanted to have sex with one of the women inside, had the money to buy it,
and wasn't leaving until he got it. The Madam figured, why not, so she told
him to come in. Once he got in, she told him to pick any of the girls he
liked. He asked her if any of the girls had any diseases, and of course the
madam said no. But he said he'd heard that all the men were talking about
having to go to the hospital and get shots after making love with Mable,
and THAT was the girl he wanted. Since the little boy was so adamant and
had the money to pay for it, the madam told him to go upstairs and go to the
first room on the right. So he headed down the hall dragging the squashed
frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back down, still dragging the
frog, paid the madam, and headed out the door, at which time the madam stopped
him and asked him just why he picked the only girl she had in the place with
a disease, instead of one of the others. He said: "Well, if you must know,
tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat,
leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. When they leave, I'm going to have sex
with my baby-sitter, who happens to be very fond of cute little boys, and then
she will get the disease that I just caught. When mom and dad get back, dad will
take the baby-sitter home, and on the way, he'll jump the babysitter's bones,
and he'll catch the disease. Then when dad gets home from the babysitters, he
and mom will go to bed and they'll have sex, and mom will catch it. In the
morning when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, and he'll
have a quickie with mom, and he'll catch it, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who
ran over my FROG!!

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's
hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned
good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't
use that kind of language in the Lord's House."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand
dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No shit?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little Boy appeared to
be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared,
"Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of
warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "Are those for me?"
"Just take two," she replied. "The rest are for your
father


Two old men feeling they are close to their last days on earth decided to have a
last night on the town.
After a few drinks they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at
the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two rooms
and put an inflated doll in each bed, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them".
These two are so old and drunk they won't know the difference."
The two men go up the stairs and take care of their business. As they are
walking home the first one says," You know, I think my girl was dead!" Dead?"
says his friend, "why would you think that?" Well, she never moved or made a
sound all the time I was loving her.."His friend says, "I think mine was a
witch."
"A WITCH!!! Why the hell would you say that?" Well, I was making love to her,
kissing on her neck and I gave it a little bite, then she farted and flew out
the window.

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would
not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted crazy then he
would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling
and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was
doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss
would
think I was nuts and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss
came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light
bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a
couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker

(the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her: "And where do you think you're
going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

Things that you can say ONLY at Thanksgiving
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once! >
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?


If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,
"Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking
about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I
can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

What is... Is sometimes just how you see it.

Your Daily Moment of Zen
(Modified to reflect contemporary wisdom):

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a
broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to
steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't
getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you
can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like
everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both
feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try
missing a couple of car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in
their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a
mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not
for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink
beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that
person again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to
remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the
windshield.

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot
of that comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it
in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and
a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your
lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just
after
you need it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get
slapped on our ass ... then things get worse .

The most wasted day of all is one in which we have
not laughed

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and
lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner
together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly
mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house"

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."

The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible, and
you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I met this
priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took
twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a
year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name
the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her 'Thank You' notes.

She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to
clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so
I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good though. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50
people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly
blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little
thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

HOROSCOPES FOR YOUR JOB POSITION...

1) MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a
marketing degree to avoid having to study in college,
concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is
pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least
compatible with Sales.

2) SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as
"marketing without a degree". You are also self centered and
paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their
money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can
"concentrate on the big picture". You seek admiration for
your golf game throughout your life.

3) TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal
life, you are instead content to completely control
everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU
don't understand what you are saying but who the heck can
tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

4) ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied
in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads
are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your
office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets.
However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal
tunnel syndrome".

5) ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school.
You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most
feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme
organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you
say that you are completely insane. Oh, and usually the first
to be incarcerated.

6) HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to
confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip
within the organization. Possibly the only other person that
does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any
calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND
then mail a letter.

7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet
completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your
current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a
single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number
of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to
marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social
circle is a "Middle Manager."

8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT: See above - Same sign, different
title.

9) CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a
fifty cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children
very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for
your room and a headset so you could pretend to play
"Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions,
your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

10) CONSULTANT: Lacking any specific knowledge, you use
acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience.
You have convinced yourself that your skills" are in demand
and that you could get a higher paying job with any other
organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity
contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking
direct action.

11) RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER": As a "person" that profits from
the success of others, you are disdained by most people who
actually work for a living. Paid on commission and
susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart
attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock
market.

12) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO: You are brilliant or lucky.
Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax
machine suggest the latter.


One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a Nursing Home.

On the front lawn were 6 old ladies laying naked on the grass.
I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same Nursing Home with the same 6 old ladies
laying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk

to the manager.

"Do you know there are 6 ladies laying naked on your front lawn?"

"Yes," he said. "They are retired prostitutes

and they're having a yard sale."


Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an
order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We
don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I
replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a
half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and
ordered six McNuggets.

The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months
ago. I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady
behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those
"Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things
so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she
picked up the "Divider"

looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar
code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed
my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK" and I paid her for
the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling
it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was
shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a

>credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some
help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this
remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing
to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I
dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. No, just this remote thingy," she
answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually
unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about
the batteries. It's a long walk."

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was
typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.
"What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With
that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the
photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into
the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole
thing generally looked like an extra in Twister." I asked the manager what had
happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went
in the back to make a sandwich.

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large
bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their
computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who
had this question: I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you
guys have a fire downtown?"

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The
message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy
button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing
the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

"Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an
even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude,
obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only
polite words, playing
soft music and anything else he could think of to do to "clean up" the bird's
vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and
the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer. For a few minutes
the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt
the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe
I may have offended you with
my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate
transgressions and I fully intend to
do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask
the parrot what had made such
a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the
Chicken did?"

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about
an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's
whisper. "Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
Mommy there?"
"Yes,"
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that
noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just
landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss
asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"ME"

The Raise...

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Yours truly,

Penis


-----------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the
administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to
start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts before you have completed the day's work
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the
workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,

The Management



The Top Songs on the New 'N Sync CD
14 "You're Pretty Mature For Your Age, Aren't You?"
13 "The Next Best Thing To An Actual Boyfriend"
12 "Yo, Girl, Your Butt Don't Look Big to Me"
11 "Baby, Just Wanna Give you a Pony and a Puppy Dog"
10 "A Personal Love Song for You -- Yes, You! We Really Mean It! You Are the One
and Only Girl We Really Love, Even Though You're 12 Years-Old and Live in a
Trailer Park in Nebraska. Honest!"
9 "I'll Be Waiting For You (On The Other Side of Puberty)"
8 "If You Buy Two, We'll Love You Twice As Much!"
7 "Acne Will Pass, But Love Lasts Forever"
6 "You Should Buy This CD -- Or That Bitch Suzy Will, and She'll Be More Popular
Than You"
5 "Nobody Understands You, So Let's Get Freaky!"
4 "Baby, You Can Drive My Car (When You're Old Enough to Get a Learner's
Permit)"
3 "Guess Which One of Us Actually *Likes* Girls"
2 "The Backstreet Boys Think You're Homely"
1 "What's Up, A-Cup?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

New medications approved by the FDA:

St. Mom's Wort: Plant extract that treats mom's
depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious
for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen: Highly effective suppository that
eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of
how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't
wait till they moved out.

Peptobimbo: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full
cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast
size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause
dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country
western music.

Flipitor: Increases life expectancy of commuters by
controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other
drivers.

Antiboyotics: When administered to teenage girls, is
highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone
lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin: Potent antibiotic for older women.
Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me
want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

Buyagra: Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-One-all: When combined with Buyagra,
can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the
victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a
book by Dr. Laura

JackAsspirin: Relieves the headache caused by a man who
can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone
number.

Anti-talksident: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to
be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories
with total strangers.

Ragamet: When administered to a husband, provides the
same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the
wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

NOTICE: Always consult your family physician before taking
new medication.

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were
there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her
shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when
it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days
later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."